@morgan_murphy

Trump is the closest thing I have to a baby. I check to see if he’s up first thing in the morning then I spend the rest of the day telling people at work what he said.

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@ArfMeasures

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

@simoncholland

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

@ohwrigley

I’m watching ‘Dexter’ for inspiration. Entertainment. I meant entertainment.

@davidkenny100

What I don’t understand is, how did Jabba the Hutt become so powerful? He’s just a fat, lecherous crook.

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@dire_beard

I once accidentally started a flash mob when I thought a spider might be on me.

@MongooseMayhem

Let’s play hide and sex. I mean seek. Damn it. Seek. Unless you’re okay with hide and sex. I’ll meet you in the hall closet in one minute.

@ddrwg

[Riding a saddled turtle]
BATTLE TORTOISE, GOOOO!!
[turtle just goes normal speed for turtles]
Aww man.

@RunwayDan

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

@MsSugar_Kisses

Listening to my coworker cry about her gag reflex not being able to swallow her allergy pills..
All I keep thinking is: Her poor boyfriend..