TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
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I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
“i miss shittin on people”
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.