@alexisthenedd

trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence

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@SamNonTheWiser

There are only three things in this world that I love and that’s my wife, my cats, and the Oxford comma

@chelliet22

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*

@ThanosSmiling

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

@Kauaibride

please stop calling that oatmeal raisin thing a cookie. it’s a round granola bar.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

@drinksmcgee

I told my wife that I married my best friend and she smiled and kissed me on the forehead. To be honest, I was surprised that she was so cool about being in a polygamous marriage with my best friend Frank.

@mela_shea

A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.

@3sunzzz

[Walmart]

3: *drops cracker, picks up cracker, starts to eat it*

Me: GIVE ME THAT! We don’t eat off of the floor here, this isn’t Target!

@CrockettForReal

My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”