TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
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I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
adding to the discourse
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.