(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
You Might Also Like
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it