(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
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Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*