Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
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if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human