Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
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God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.