[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
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Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!