Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
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I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Not today. 😅
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.