Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
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Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Who knew!
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8