@MBlackman37

Trump: What caused the Civil War?

Aide: Slavery.

Aide 2: Slavery.

Aide 3: Slavery.

DeVos: Bears.

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@daddydoubts

Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?

Me: just a little boo boo.

Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?

Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.

@ericsshadow

My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.

@Birdhumms

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

@VestaTot

Help 9-1-1! I just found my husband! He’s been drugged in his coffee and then stabbed with a pen knife but that didn’t work and then shot!

@omerwahaj

An eskimo sitting in a kayak was chilly. He lit a fire. Unsurprisingly the kayak sank. Moral: You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

@ohthatbadger

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

@KyleMcDowell86

CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE

@Chumpstring

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?

@Skoogeth

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey