Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Trump: What caused the Civil War?
Aide 2: Slavery.
Aide 3: Slavery.
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My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Help 9-1-1! I just found my husband! He’s been drugged in his coffee and then stabbed with a pen knife but that didn’t work and then shot!
An eskimo sitting in a kayak was chilly. He lit a fire. Unsurprisingly the kayak sank. Moral: You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
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[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Hard to believe that January 2020 was only seven years ago.