@rickygervais

Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.

Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.

- @rickygervais

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@Cryptoterra

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

@mayamanion

In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super

@InternetHippo

[inventing dialup internet]
What should it sound like when it’s connecting?
[guy in the back stands up confidently]
Pterodactyls

@moose_chocolate

A coworker told me she was “catching up on her correspondence” so apparently it’s 1932 here at my workplace.

@dumbbeezie

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

@siano4progress

Just got pulled over for swerving. Did a breathalyzer, BAC was 2.8

I told the cop “I drink and drive all the time. Get over it.”

Got arrested. Car impounded.

I’m not worried. I’ll just tell the judge it’s Obama’s fault. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll blame the fake news media.

@SteveKoehler22

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.