Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
You Might Also Like
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
#math
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes