Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
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same vibe as tangled headphones
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.