Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
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I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine