@ericsshadow

Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.

@thetits

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

@Parkerlawyer

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

@TheAlexP

If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.

@hello_saylor

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

@4SLars

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

@AndyJokedAgain

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that