Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
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So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
This was my dad’s browser history.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
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