At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
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Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?