I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
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went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
If you don’t have a bucket list, then put “make bucket list” on your “To Do” list. nnYou don’t have a To Do list?nnnnJesus, what ARE you?
*throws a grenade at Bruno Mars’ girlfriend*
*Bruno Mars appears out of nowhere and catches it*
*it explodes and both of them die*
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.