[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
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Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”