@3sunzzz

[trust fall exercise at work]

CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!

M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.

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@TylerLinkin

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

@mrjohndarby

went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw

@KentWGraham

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

@genehunter1

If you don’t have a bucket list, then put “make bucket list” on your “To Do” list. nnYou don’t have a To Do list?nnnnJesus, what ARE you?

@KKAlThani

*throws a grenade at Bruno Mars’ girlfriend*
*Bruno Mars appears out of nowhere and catches it*
*it explodes and both of them die*

@

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@dannyboy7813

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

@AndyAsAdjective

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

@momjeansplease

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

@SteveDutzy

Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.