[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
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Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target