“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
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Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*