Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
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I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Feels like the fourth month in January
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions