Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

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Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.


Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”


My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.


I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.


Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.


Arm wrestling is for guys who like to hold hands with other guys while staring into their eyes.


I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.


Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile


Unemployment gives you time to follow your true passion: Worrying about money.