“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
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Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Expect the unexporcupine.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport