SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Truth: My 85yr old grandmother’s answering machine says, “I’ll call you back when I want to, if I want to.”
Heroes are all around us.
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This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
My ex (2 years ago) : Let’s spice things up and role play!
Me: I’m in!
Ex: “Good evening, Mr. Grey…”
Me: I’m out!
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
*puts kid in tub*
*forgets about kid*
*finds kid-shaped prune floating in tub*
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.
Court starts Monday.
Been rubbing this thing on my carpet for 2 hours and still nothing. How the hell do you recharge a smart car?