@HeyANow

Truth: My 85yr old grandmother’s answering machine says, “I’ll call you back when I want to, if I want to.”

Heroes are all around us.

You Might Also Like

@SteveSuckington

Good call inventor of glass tables. There’s nothing more appetizing than realizing Aunt Mildred doesn’t wear panties while I’m trying to eat

@pungodly

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

@Maxine12339

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

@Jarhead44

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

@graceful_asfuck

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

@molly7anne

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby πŸ™‚