Truth: My 85yr old grandmother’s answering machine says, “I’ll call you back when I want to, if I want to.”

Heroes are all around us.

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Good call inventor of glass tables. There’s nothing more appetizing than realizing Aunt Mildred doesn’t wear panties while I’m trying to eat


Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.


Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.


I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.


Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*


Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby πŸ™‚