[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
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My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Sorry. Not sorry
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie