[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
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I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.