Truth
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LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
one of
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Fiction has to make sense.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”