@JimmerThatisAll

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

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@heyitsJudeD

Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh

@IndecisiveJones

me: hear me out, you know how everybody LOVES prince, well what if there were two of him?

spin doctors: that’s genius

@SortaBad

Ok No Loitering sign, let’s get one thing straight: the type of people who loiter are not the type of people who know what loitering means.

@TheTweetOfGod

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

@SteveSuckington

[2 guys at open mic night]

What are we gonna name our band?

[from crowd] look at the one guys hair! LMFAO

*they look at each other*

@pilau

[first little league game]

me: knock ‘em dead son

son: thanks pa

me: destroy them

son: what

me: kill them all

son: [crying]

me: SEND THEM SCREAMING INTO THE FIRES OF HELL

@mikeleffingwell

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.