Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
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choose your gary
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Twitter fine art
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Good point.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them