Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
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It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
channeling her this year
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood