My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
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It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.