Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
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Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
calling in to work dehydrated
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
bad news gang
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.