Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
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The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
This is the best one I’ve seen
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
i could never be president. im overqualified.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*