Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

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David Cameron: “In some parts of Britain there are three generations of families where nobody has ever worked.”

Buckingham Palace?


The entire history of the universe could be seen as a slow growth, expansion and coalescence of consciousness, were it not for Sarah Palin.


an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today


“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion


quarantine day 8: i don’t think my pet fish is doing too well


Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…


Me: Did it hurt?
Her: Did what hurt?
Me: When you fell from a really high distance.

Dating as an atheist is hard.


Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.


I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this


I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok