@AnniemuMary

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

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@Tayyxb

David Cameron: “In some parts of Britain there are three generations of families where nobody has ever worked.”

Buckingham Palace?

@TheTweetOfGod

The entire history of the universe could be seen as a slow growth, expansion and coalescence of consciousness, were it not for Sarah Palin.

@huntigula

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

@DanielRCarrillo

“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion

@KyleSmells

quarantine day 8: i don’t think my pet fish is doing too well

@ColorMeScradd

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

@Sarcasticsapien

Me: Did it hurt?
Her: Did what hurt?
Me: When you fell from a really high distance.

Dating as an atheist is hard.

@SkippyMcGizzard

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

@MissHavisham

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

@YuckyTom

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok