Try and tell me about your cleanse and I will whip out my pocket bacon and eat it right in front of you.

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I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume


me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love


If you can’t kill them with kindness

A shovel will do


“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”


He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.


“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household


You get the public restroom all to yourself if you sing Happy Birthday to your poops.


This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics


if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised


The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.