@Cpin42
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
@brownbear952
Try and tell me about your cleanse and I will whip out my pocket bacon and eat it right in front of you.
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@Cpin42
@roobeekeane
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
@1MeLrO
If you can’t kill them with kindness
A shovel will do
@praisecheese
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
@NikiWithIssues
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
@DaddyJew
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
@bngzyface
You get the public restroom all to yourself if you sing Happy Birthday to your poops.
@TheTweetOfGod
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
@pazpaz
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
@liliths_lair
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.