Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Try and tell me about your cleanse and I will whip out my pocket bacon and eat it right in front of you.
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Him: What’s your sign?
Me: i need some decoration for this cake
Store clerk: Icing?
Me: Yeah and I can beatbox, can we just focus on the cake?
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Dear guy who parked his Lexus across two parking spaces:
Your car got paint on my keys.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?