@brownbear952

Try and tell me about your cleanse and I will whip out my pocket bacon and eat it right in front of you.

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@Cpin42

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

@roobeekeane

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

@1MeLrO

If you can’t kill them with kindness

A shovel will do

@praisecheese

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

@NikiWithIssues

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

@DaddyJew

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

@bngzyface

You get the public restroom all to yourself if you sing Happy Birthday to your poops.

@TheTweetOfGod

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

@pazpaz

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

@liliths_lair

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.