her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
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This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom