Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
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It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe