Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
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Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.