Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
You Might Also Like
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
groan^2