@Bunnydurden

Try saying “good luck” without sounding sarcastic. Good luck.

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@_elvishpresley_

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

@GoldenSpirals

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

@shutupmikeginn

Advantage of seeing a goose: you just saw something interesting my friend.

Disadvantage: next goose experience less meaningful

@LizerReal

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

@sock_holliday

YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button

Hulk: way ahead of you bud

@robwalton30

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

@nolifecoach

If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!

@ArfMeasures

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

@stevevsninjas

Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.