Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
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My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Thinking about Jeff
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I get distracted pretty eas
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*