CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
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Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Bond. Trauma bond.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Google reviews are always so mixed..
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Me sliding into hell like
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.