@tastefactory

Try to imagine pugs living in the wild, just roaming in the forest in packs.

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@Bagyants

I deactivated my Facebook so I won’t know if any bible verses are “so true” for a while.

@free_mattress

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

@Mom_Overboard

Fact: for every polite Canadian human there is an equally rude goose

@dafloydsta

[bedtime]

SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?

@thenoahkinsey

Gerard Butler: Can I get sugar?

Waiter: This is sugar.

*GB stands pissed*

GB: THIS..IS…SPLENDA!!

*GB kicks waiter through glass panel*

@chrisdowning

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

@weismanjake

If I were a cop and pulled a woman over for speeding I would keep crying until she let me give her a ticket.

@cepheusjackson

ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air

ME: HOLY SHIT

@PaperWash

*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!