@tastefactory

Try to imagine pugs living in the wild, just roaming in the forest in packs.

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@PetrickSara

*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*

@Chay_Raghu

Me : Marry me and make me happiest man …

She : You want both !?

@LittleMissAngr1

I met a little girl who told me she fake-sneezes when she wants people to leave her alone and I found myself sitting at her feet and begging for enlightenment.

@iwearaonesie

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

@dumbbeezie

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

@TheDreamGhoul

the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here

@RodLacroix

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.