I deactivated my Facebook so I won’t know if any bible verses are “so true” for a while.
Try to imagine pugs living in the wild, just roaming in the forest in packs.
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‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Fact: for every polite Canadian human there is an equally rude goose
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
Gerard Butler: Can I get sugar?
Waiter: This is sugar.
*GB stands pissed*
*GB kicks waiter through glass panel*
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
If I were a cop and pulled a woman over for speeding I would keep crying until she let me give her a ticket.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!