*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Try to imagine pugs living in the wild, just roaming in the forest in packs.
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Me : Marry me and make me happiest man …
She : You want both !?
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I met a little girl who told me she fake-sneezes when she wants people to leave her alone and I found myself sitting at her feet and begging for enlightenment.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.