Do you think Lil’ Wayne went to the tattoo parlor and said “Make my face look like an 8th grade girls trapper keeper”?
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
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Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
interviewer: you’re late
me: oh for me? thanks [grabs his coffee and takes sip] but it’s pronounced “latte”
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Your secret is safeish with me
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
“am or pm?”
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard