@DearAnyone

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

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@JermHimselfish

Do you think Lil’ Wayne went to the tattoo parlor and said “Make my face look like an 8th grade girls trapper keeper”?

@tesselatrix

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

@aimlessamers

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

@UnFitz

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

@daemonic3

[job interview]

interviewer: you’re late

me: oh for me? thanks [grabs his coffee and takes sip] but it’s pronounced “latte”

@KentWGraham

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

@murrman5

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

@Cpin42

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard