*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

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Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.


Actors can get political in speeches if they want. Go for it. But imagine someone winning Wimbledon & going, “Yay! I won! Save the whales!”


ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break

DOCTOR: Your hip

ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break


Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.


“the pizza boy is here”
It’s time, I thought, cocking my shotgun. I was sending this half pizza half man abomination straight back to hell


Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.

Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.


Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.


[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet


I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.