[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
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Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
This dude got his own movie?
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food