*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
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I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I wish my job was more like a video game. In order to be promoted to the next level, all I’d need to do is kill the boss.
Someday I’m gonna open a pawn shop and blow everyone’s mind when I only sell rooks, bishops and knights.
God: I need an Ark built.
*Jesus lowers sunglasses*
Jesus: I Noah guy.
I hated facial hair at first, but then it grew on me!
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is