[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

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*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in


I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”


I wish my job was more like a video game. In order to be promoted to the next level, all I’d need to do is kill the boss.


Someday I’m gonna open a pawn shop and blow everyone’s mind when I only sell rooks, bishops and knights.


God: I need an Ark built.

*Jesus lowers sunglasses*

Jesus: I Noah guy.


If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.


My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again


After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is