[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
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Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
⛄️
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
The human body is 70% water and 30% land