Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
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“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I’m thinking about getting a dog so I’m not the only one in this household who goes apeshit when the pizza guy rings the doorbell.
Someone: if you’re not deaf why do you always use subtitles?
Me, someone with audio processing issues so bad I literally did not understand what you just said: yeah!
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
[driving car off a cliff]
Me: Haha 2019 does have flying cars
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…