@Mostly_Cheese

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.

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@ericsshadow

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

@SnellWarren

My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.

@OctopusCaveman

I’m thinking about getting a dog so I’m not the only one in this household who goes apeshit when the pizza guy rings the doorbell.

@evervway

Someone: if you’re not deaf why do you always use subtitles?
Me, someone with audio processing issues so bad I literally did not understand what you just said: yeah!

@FuzzyDuck17

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

@StarWarsProblms

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

@Mr_Kapowski

[driving car off a cliff]

Me: Haha 2019 does have flying cars

@Ygrene

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

@1par8head

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…