[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
You Might Also Like
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
New Tinder profile.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.