*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

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I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.


*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?


(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”

(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*


*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?


My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.


“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion


When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.


[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]


Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.