*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
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I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”