@LeBearGirdle

*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

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@Bmittone

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

@Chhapiness

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

@HomeWithPeanut

(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”

(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*

@DurtMcHurtt

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

@AndyAsAdjective

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.

@gerryhallcomedy

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

@osigat

When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.

@murrman5

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

@junejuly12

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.