Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
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Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
My brain is a bad influence on me
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I’m so hungover that my thoughts sound like Sylvester Stallone.
“My bf and I were having dinner with my family and I asked for my daddy to pass the sriracha my bf and my dad both reached for it” – Harvard
I always keep a taser on me in case anyone asks if they can have one of my fries.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.