[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
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Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Potatoes were such a good idea
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.