@murrman5

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

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@onion_an

Guy: [pulls out knife]

Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel

Guy: [stabs me]

Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash

@chrisdowning

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

@NikiWithIssues

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

@knot_eye

“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending

@MikeDrucker

I’m so hungover that my thoughts sound like Sylvester Stallone.

@collegefession

“My bf and I were having dinner with my family and I asked for my daddy to pass the sriracha my bf and my dad both reached for it” – Harvard

@wickedsuga

I always keep a taser on me in case anyone asks if they can have one of my fries.

@Cheeseboy22

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.