To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
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ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Guantanamo Bae
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.