@mortimermaiden

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

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@thebeckyard

I see you are eating seafood at a midwest Chinese buffet. I, too, like to live dangerously.

@ok_one_more

I don’t want to sound insensitive but I used to dream of the day I would only have to leave groceries outside my mothers door!!

@GrantTanaka

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

@Smooheed

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

@Aerostars4Sale

SPECIAL COLUMBUS DAY SALE: For $300 you can drive one of our vans into Canada and claim you discovered it.

@jon_bois

drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up

@JD_Barney

According to my google history, I spent most of last night trying to buy a llama.

@bombsydoll

What is WRONG with you???

Me: *slowly counting on fingers* let’s see… ok… carry the 1… um… That would be everything

@chuuew

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

@JasonLastname

Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?