God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
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There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender