[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

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I don’t remember anything about being born, I must have been WASTED


You think Minnie Mouse ever got drunk & decided to bang Goofy after a Disney mixer?

-Was the last time my boss asked me for my thoughts


Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.


Her: I’d take a bullet for you.

Me: How soon can you do that?


Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.


*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*


In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.


My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.