I don’t remember anything about being born, I must have been WASTED
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
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You think Minnie Mouse ever got drunk & decided to bang Goofy after a Disney mixer?
-Was the last time my boss asked me for my thoughts
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Her: I’d take a bullet for you.
Me: How soon can you do that?
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.