@fillthevacuum
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
@thenatewolf
*Trying to come up with the most romantic thing I could possibly say*
You’re like if my friend Brent was a girl.
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@fillthevacuum
@SkippyMcGizzard
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
@Marlebean
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
@tracietom
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
@jwoodham
“You have a date? With who?”
[Sees a fishing boat]
“Uh, her name is Net…”
[Sees someone with a booger]
“Flicks! Net Flicks! Wait. Dammit.”
@Home_Halfway
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
@Book_Krazy
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
@portmanteauface
[alarm clock, 6:00 a.m.]
Ok cool, I have time for breakfast and a nice shower before work
[third snooze button]
Alright, well, I have time for a coffee and a quick shower
[tenth snooze button]
What if I burned off my fingerprints and moved to south america
@truegritrumble
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
@DaddyJew
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire