@thenatewolf

*Trying to come up with the most romantic thing I could possibly say*

You’re like if my friend Brent was a girl.

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@briangaar

Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]

@Sassafrantz

I just introduced my date as P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney because I forgot his name. How’s your night?

@tchrquotes

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

@GamerPres2020

I want to thank The Squad for their endorsement of my presidential run today. These four are true leaders and together we are going to transform our country so that it works for all of us. So again, thank you Raphael, Michaelangelo, Donatello, and Leonardo. Cowabunga, dudes.

@AimeeHelene1

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

@truegritrumble

MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!

ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!

@CrockettForReal

1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us

@DaHess1

“Cellphones only work when you talk into them like you’re trying to be heard over a buzzsaw screwing a freight train.”

– My Dad