joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
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ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Wednesday
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.